The Harvey Family Joke Book

Including jokes from around the world and next door

Nice but not naughty

Our friends, Our family

Our Neighbors and technical support staffs

The Harvey Family and Friends Official Holiday Joke Book! Dedicated to Sophia and Mathijs the Greatest Grandkids ever! 2023 EDITION TABLE OF CONTENTS

1-Friends and family

2-Technicians and Techies

3-International

4-Holiday

5-Favorite famous Comedians

6-Internet Friends

Part 1-Friends and family

From Fred Fiske of Junto

Q: How do you fix a cracked tomato?

A: Tomato paste.

From Renee Senn of Rava’s Salon

My dog is a genius…I asked him what is two minus two…

He said nothing.

Sarah from “Rise and Shine”

A bear walks into a bar and, after a long time, orders a whiskey and cola.

The bartender asks” Why the big pause?”

The bear shrugs and says, “I don’t know. I was born with them,”

Tom Goyens Son in Law from Belgium

Q-Why don’t they have a public day in the Belgium Submarine Corps.

A-Because it would require having an Open House

Alan Hymowitz, Best friend

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my I Pad."
That STUPID spider never knew what hit it!

Lydia Scott, Facebook friend

Q-What falls but never needs a bandage?

A-The rain

“I wanted to tell you a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punchline!

“I’m not a fan of Spring cleaning. Let’s be honest I’m not into summer, fall or winter cleaning either!

“Why did the egg hide?”

“It was a little chicken!”

Q- “What did the dirt say to the rain?”

A- “If you keep this up my name will be mud.”

Q-“Why don’t scientists trust atoms?”

A- Because they make up everything”

Q- “Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?”

A- “He’ll stop at nothing to put them down!”

From Maggie, Artist

Q- “What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense? “

A- “But wait, there’s myrrh!”

From Tib, College Buddies

Q- “What do you call a cow with no legs?”

A- “Dinner!”

Q- Why did the father tell his son his report card was “all wet?”

A- Because he said it was “all wet!”

From Ben Cooper, Planet Fitness

Q- “Why did the fox cross the road?”

A- “Free range Chickens.”

From Carl on Westcott Street

Q-Why didn't the melons get married?

A-Because they cantaloupe.

From Lorrie at Nottingham

Q- “What did one hat say to the other hat? “

A- “You wait here, I'll go on ahead.”

Part 2-Technitions and Techies

From Alicia of Credo Mobile

" Why are piggy banks so wise? "

" They're filled with common cents."

"What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep"

"He puts his PJ-Amazon."

"Why did the scarecrow win an award? "

"Because he was out-standing in his field"

From Ian of Spectrum

“Why couldn’t the duck stop laughing?

“He kept quaking up.”

“Where do cows go for fun?” “The Moovies!”

From Jazzy of Credo Mobile

“What happened that ruined the evening for Cinderella”

“She ran away from the ball!”

From Yolanda of Spectrum

“Why wasn’t Cinderella good at football”

1-“She kept running away from the ball

2-“She was wearing glass slippers.”

3-She lost her shoe.”

4-“She had a pumpkin for a coach

From Lena! of Credo Mobile

1-What did the shark say when it ate the clown fish?

Ans: This taste a little funny, Hahahaha!!

2-Knock! Knock!

who's there?

Lena!

Lena who?

Lena little closer, and I will I'll you another joke! Hahaha

From SHANE of CREDO MOBILE

A doctor and a Teacher loved the same girl. The doctor greeted here with flowers each day. The teacher made sure to bring her an apple daily.

From BRYCE OF Apple Support

“What do hackers do on a boat? Phishing”

From Julie from Columbia on Apple Support

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

From Karley of Credo Mobile

“What has ears and stalks everywhere?”

“A Cornfield.”

Part 3 International Jokes-

Section 1

Norwegian (from Ole Goethe, 36)

Det var to hvaler som satt på en bar. Og så sa den ene: "Mmmwaamm!"
Den andre hvalen ser på den og bare sier: "Fy faen, du er drita full."

There were two whales sitting on a bar. And then one said: "Mmmwaamm!"

The other whale looks at it and just says, "Damn, you're drunk."

Swedish (by comedian Evelyn Mok, 26)

Jag har fått en stalker. Han är överallt, hela tiden. Och hans "grej" är att han skickar andra människor för att förklara sin kärlek för mig. Så jag kan gå en promenad och helt plötsligt så dyker det upp en kvinna som skriker: "JESUS ÄLSKAR DIG."

I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So, I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden, a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."

Finnish (from Antton R, 32) Minkä liikennemerkin kohdalla Suomessa saa tehdä moottoritiellä U-käännöksen?
Lähestytte Venäjän rajaa.

Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland?
The one that says “You are approaching the Russian border.”

Hungarian (from Andras Szirko, 30)

Ki az: korán reggel kel, fehér köpenye van, kenyeret süt, de nem pék?
De, pék.

Q-What do you call a man who wakes up early in the morning, wears a white apron, bakes bread, but is not a baker?
A-No, it is a baker!

Dutch (by comedian Rayen Panday, 30)

Ik woon nog thuis, mijn voorouders komen uit India, die zijn gehaald naar suriname en mijn ouders zijn verhuisd van Suriname naar Amsterdam. Daar ben ik geboren en ik heb niet echt een binding met Suriname of India, maar ik moet je zeggen. Ik vind het wel een beetje raar thuis met die twee buitenlanders.

“I still live at home. My great-grandparents are from India, they moved to Surinam, and my parents moved from Surinam to Amsterdam. And I'm born and raised in Amsterdam, but I don't really have a connection with Surinam and India, I feel Dutch. But I gotta say, it's a little strange living at home with those two immigrants.”

Spanish (from Fernando Acuña, 33)

Un hombre entra en una bodega y dice: Me daría usted “15 litros de vino?”
“Trae el recipiente?”
“Está usted hablando con él.”

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."
"Did you bring a container for this? "
"You're speaking to it."

Mexican Spanish (from Erica Buist, 29)

Qué le dijo una uva verde a una uva morada?
“Respira por Dios!”

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Oh my God, breathe!”

Estonian (by comedian Janika Maidle, 22

Ma olen vallaline ja see on valik.
Nende valik, kes pole nõus minuga välja tulema.

I am single by choice.
A choice made by those reluctant to date me.

Bosnian (from Sladjana Perkovic, 31)

Bosanac uhvati zlatnu ribicu i ona kaže pusti me ispuniću ti želju a bosanac kaže kakva želja nosim te zlataru zlato je zlato.

A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish."
The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."

French (from Amandine Agic, 28)

C'est deux oeufs dans un frigo.
Un dit à l'autre: "Mais dis donc, t'es drôlement poilu pour un oeuf."
L'autre répond: "Mais je suis un kiwi."

There are two eggs in a fridge.
One says to the other: "Hey, you're quite hairy for an egg."
The other replies: "But I am a kiwi."

Greek (from Elina M, 31) Τρεις άντρες έχουν καταδικαστεί σε θάνατο σε μια μακρινή χώρα: ΄Ένας Άγγλος, ένας Γάλλος και ένας Κύπριος. Την ημέρα της εκτέλεσής τους, τους ζήτησαν να πουν την τελευταία τους ευχή. Ο Άγγλος ζήτησε ένα πούρο, ο Γάλλος ένα ποτήρι κρασί και ο Κύπριος ζήτησε μία τελευταία ευκαιρία να μιλήσει στους εκτελεστές για το Κυπριακό. Ακούγοντας αυτό, ο Άγγλος και ο Γάλλος ζήτησαν να αλλάξουν την τελευταία τους ευχή και ικέτευσαν να εκτελεστούν πριν ο Κύπριος αρχίσει να μιλάει.

Three men are sentenced to death in a faraway country: an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Cypriot. On execution day they are asked to name their last wish. The Englishman asks for a cigar. The Frenchman a glass of wine. The Cypriot asks to be granted a last opportunity to talk to the execution squad about the Cyprus problem. On hearing this, the Frenchman and Englishman change their last wishes and beg to be shot before the Cypriot starts talking.

Macedonian (from Mila Damyanoska, 22)

Само 20 проценти од Македонците живеат во стрес и револт. Другите 80 проценти живеат во Австралија, Америка, Канада, Германија, Шведска, Велика Британија …

Only 20% of Macedonians live in stress and revolt. The other 80% live in Australia, the US, Canada, Germany, Sweden, the UK …

Hebrew (from Rachel Goldberg, 26)

יהודיה פולניה קמה באמצע טיסה לארה"ב וצועקת: "יש כאן רופא??". בחור נחמד ורציני ניגש אליה מהר ואומר לה: "כן מה הבעיה?". היא עונה לו: "אתה רוצה אולי להכיר את הבת שלי?".

A Polish Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?" She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Dutch (anon, 25)

Twee Belgische boeven besluiten om in de nacht een overal te gaan plegen op een bank. Ze hebben de overval goed voorbereid en besproken zodat ze op de bewuste nacht zonder enige problemen de bank binnen kunnen komen. Die nacht gaan ze inbreken en zonder dat ook maar één van de alarmsystemen afgaat komen ze in de kamer met alle kluizen. De eerste Belg krijgt één van de kluizen open, maar schrikt zich rot wanneer hij erachter komt dat er alleen één potje yoghurt staat. De twee Belgische boeven beginnen alle kluizen open te breken en één voor één vinden ze elke keer weer een potje yoghurt. De ene Belg zegt: "We zijn voor de gek gehouden! Laten we alle yoghurt opeten om hen terug te pakken" en direct beginnen de twee Belgen alle yoghurt op te eten. Wanneer alle yoghurt op is vertrekken de twee Belgen met een volle buik. De volgende dag staat er op de voorpagina van de krant: "Onbegrijpelijke inbraak in de spermabank."

Two bandits decide to rob a bank at night. They have planned it carefully so that they will have no trouble entering. On the night of the robbery, not a single alarm goes off. When they enter the bank they come across a room filled with vaults. One of the bandits manages to open one of the vaults, only to discover there is nothing inside except a small bowl of yoghurt. The two bandits open up all the vaults, one by one, and each vault only contains a small bowl of yoghurt. "We have been cheated! Let's eat all the yoghurt to get back at them!" The two bandits eat all the yoghurt and leave with their bellies full. The next day all the papers have the same headline: "Unexplained robbery at sperm bank."

Section 2

Norwegian (from Ole Goethe, 36)

Det var to hvaler som satt på en bar. Og så sa den ene: "Mmmwaamm!"
Den andre hvalen ser på den og bare sier: "Fy faen, du er drita full."

There were two whales sitting on a bar. And then one said: "Mmmwaamm!"

The other whale looks at it and just says, "Damn, you're drunk."

Swedish (by comedian Evelyn Mok, 26)

Finnish (from Antton R, 32) Minkä liikennemerkin kohdalla Suomessa saa tehdä moottoritiellä U-käännöksen?
Lähestytte Venäjän rajaa.

Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland?
The one that says “You are approaching the Russian border.”

Hungarian (from Andras Szirko, 30)

Ki az: korán reggel kel, fehér köpenye van, kenyeret süt, de nem pék?
De, pék.

Q-What do you call a man who wakes up early in the morning, wears a white apron, bakes bread, but is not a baker?
A-No, it is a baker!

Dutch (by comedian Rayen Panday, 30)

Spanish (from Fernando Acuña, 33)

Un hombre entra en una bodega y dice: Me daría usted “15 litros de vino?”
“Trae el recipiente?”
“Está usted hablando con él.”

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."
"Did you bring a container for this? "
"You're speaking to it."

Mexican Spanish (from Erica Buist, 29)

Qué le dijo una uva verde a una uva morada?
“Respira por Dios!”

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Oh my God, breathe!”

Estonian (by comedian Janika Maidle, 22

Ma olen vallaline ja see on valik.
Nende valik, kes pole nõus minuga välja tulema.

I am single by choice.
A choice made by those reluctant to date me.

Bosnian (from Sladjana Perkovic, 31)

Bosanac uhvati zlatnu ribicu i ona kaže pusti me ispuniću ti želju a bosanac kaže kakva želja nosim te zlataru zlato je zlato.

A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish."
The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."

French (from Amandine Agic, 28)

C'est deux oeufs dans un frigo.
Un dit à l'autre: "Mais dis donc, t'es drôlement poilu pour un oeuf."
L'autre répond: "Mais je suis un kiwi."

There are two eggs in a fridge.
One says to the other: "Hey, you're quite hairy for an egg."
The other replies: "But I am a kiwi."

Macedonian (from Mila Damyanoska, 22)

Only 20% of Macedonians live in stress and revolt. The other 80% live in Australia, the US, Canada, Germany, Sweden, the UK …

Hebrew (from Rachel Goldberg, 26)

Dutch (anon, 25)

Section-3

From Hong Anh Vu, Vietnam

A group of men were asked: those of you who are afraid of your wife stand on one side. All the men except for one gathered together. The lone man was then asked why he was standing alone to which he said, “My wife told me to stay away from crowds.”

From Lin Qing, Mainland China

There were twelve men playing Mahjong in a Mahjong parlor. Suddenly the owner comes rushing out of his office shouting, “Gentlemen, you’d better leave, your wives are coming down here and they are upset with your wasting time playing Mahjong when you should be working!”. Immediately the twelve men jump up. Run around the room and six of them go rushing out the door. The other six sit down shaking their heads and muttering.

Five minutes later the owner comes back out of his office, screaming, “Guys, you really must leave. There is going to be hell to pay.” The six men jump up rush around the room and then five of them leave. The sixth man sits down shaking his head, muttering, and then going totally silent.

The owner comes over and says, “Chung, whatever is the matter”. He then claps Chung on the back and the man falls over; frightened to death!

Part 4- Holiday Jokes

Deirdre MCarthy

Knock Knock. “Who’s there ?”

‘Yule.” Yule who?”

“Yule be sorry if you don’t open the door!”

Kathy Jaime

“What’s the best gift you can gift?”

“A broken drum”

“Nobody can beat that!”

Donna from Spectrum

Q- “How do you clean your hands at Christmas time?

A- “With Santa-tizer

Devin from Alpine Street

Q- “What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?”

A- A rebel without a Claus.

Anton , the Chess “King”

Q- “What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?”
A- “Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Part 5- FAMOUS COMEDIANS

Henny Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back”.

Bob Hope

“I love to go to Washington…if only to be near my money.”.

“The good news is Jesus is coming back. The bad news is he’s really pissed.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. Am I gonna make sarcastic comments to strangers.”

“People don’t turn down money…it’s what separates us from the animals!”

George Carlin

"A house is a place to keep stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"People have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of ‘em are good at it."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem”.

6-Internet Friends

From Sarah at Delta Sonic

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Boo!”

“Boo Hoo?”

“There, there, don’t cry little baby!”

From Mariah at The Brooklyn Pickle

Why was the mobile phone wearing glasses?... Because it lost its contacts.

From Tanisha at Apple Support

A truck carrying Microsoft software has just overturned on the main road… That's the Word on the street.

From Ganisha at Amazon

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today.

I'll let you know.

From Sam at Syracuse University

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?...

None, because it is a hardware problem.